


The Absence of Fear

by memoryrebel



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Episode: s02e12 Profiler Profiled, Episode: s08e18 Restoration, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage, never happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-11-04 13:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10992294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memoryrebel/pseuds/memoryrebel
Summary: What if Derek was never arrested in 2006? What if Carl Buford walked free for six more years? How would the events of 'Restoration' have gone differently if the BAU team never knew about Carl Buford?This story is my interpretation of how that would have gone down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. This is my first Criminal Minds work. It's an idea that I really wanted to read about, but found that nobody seemed to have written about it. So I took matters into my own hands. Here it goes.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” -Ambrose Redmoon

 

“Is everyone here?”

Hotch looked from face to face, taking in his team seated at the round table. 

“Morgan and Rossi aren’t here yet,” Reid answered, gesturing to the two empty chair, “Did we call them?”

“I did,” Garcia responded.

Hotch was just about to suggest doing so again when the two agents walked through the door. 

“Ok,” Garcia said as the two took their seats, “We have a case in Chicago. Two men were found murdered in the streets. Only a few days apart. They were both beaten with fists of fury. There were shards of glass found in both of their faces and one of them suffered something called a le fort fracture.”

“It’s a bilateral facial fracture resulting in separation of the midface from the brain,” Reid added, gesturing to his packet.

“Both our vics were also found with their pants and boxers pulled down to their ankles,” Garcia finished.

“But there’s no sign of sexual assault?” Morgan asked, receiving a shake of the head from Garcia.

“Hey, isn’t this your old stomping grounds?” JJ asked, “At least you can say ‘hey’ to your family.”

“Yea, I’m not gonna let anyone know I’m in town. I don’t need any distractions.”

“Alright,” Hotch stood, “Wheels up in thirty.”

________________________

When they team arrived in Chicago, they split into separate groups to check out the crime scenes. Morgan went with Blake to the market where Anthony Rango had been murdered, while JJ and Rossi went to the scene of Michael Crowley’s death. They were eventually rerouted to the scene of a new murder that had been committed while they were in the air. The rest headed to the local precinct to get everything set up.

Morgan and Blake entered the store, taking in the scene of chaos. Shelves tipped over, bottles shattered all over the place. 

“Wow,” Blake observed, “He put up one hell of a fight.”

“Looks like our guy needed a fix after,” Morgan added, gesturing to the empty beer bottles on the floor, “Must’ve worn gloves, or CSU would’ve taken ‘em in for prints.”

The pair headed being the counter, Blake to the video recorder and Morgan to the register.

“Think he’s a junkie?” She asked.

“You ever know a junkie to leave a register full of cash?” Morgan countered, looking in the now open drawer.

Blake opened the DVD player, finding it empty.

“This guy was mission oriented. He even had the presence of mind to take the DVDs before he left.”

“Candy and soda were the last things bought.”  
“There were probably kids in here,” Blake commented, standing back up, “They’re lucky they didn’t get hurt.”

Moving off the investigate the rest of the store, Morgan heard his phone ring. From where he was crouched on the ground, he took it from his pocket and saw it was JJ.

“Yea?”

“Hey,” JJ responded from the other end, “We found some writing on a dumpster at the. Could you tell us if there’s any like it on your end?”

“What’s it say?” Morgan asked.

Everything vanished for Morgan when he heard those words. He stopped what he was doing immediately, letting the arm holding his phone fall to his side. Glancing around quickly, his eyes landed on the metal door used to lock up the shop. Getting up quickly, he made his way across the store, Blake hot on his heels. He brought the door down, revealing the phrase scrawled across it in black paint.

“Look up to the sky?” Blake asked thoughtfully.

“Morgan?” came JJ’s voice.

He lifted his phone back up to his ear, before answering “I gotta go,” and hanging up.

“Linguistically, sky could be in reference to God. And taken in context with the pants pulled, they could mean that God is punishing them for-”  
“I’ll be in the car,” Morgan said abruptly, tearing his eyes from the painting and ducking underneath the door. He made his way back around the corner, trying to calm his breathing. Running his hands over his head, he made it to the SUV. He got in, slamming the door behind him. He stared ahead for a moment, before hitting his fists on the steering wheel, then lowering his face into his hands. He took a deep breath in an attempt to slow his pounding heart. 

‘ _ Look up to the sky,’ came a deep voice, hot breath on the back of his neck. _

Morgan opened his eyes quickly, shaking his head to dislodge the dark memory. 

“No,” he whispered to himself, “It’s not related. Coincidence. It has to be a coincidence.”

The passenger side door opened, and Blake stepped in, shutting the door much softer than her colleague had. 

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, looking at him with concern.

“I’m fine. Let’s get to the precinct and tell Hotch what we found.”

He started the car, successfully stopping his hands from shaking, and pulled into the busy street.

_ ‘Just a coincidence,’  _ he thought. 


	2. Chapter 2

Morgan was uncharacteristically quiet during their debriefing. Blake did all of the sharing when it came time to discuss their findings, and he had nothing to add of JJ and Rossi’s own work. Mostly, he just sat there pretending to read the file.

As they all sat in the conference room around the table, a few times he caught Blake and even JJ giving him concerned looks, trying to find an explanation for his strange behavior. If anyone else thought he was acting off, they didn’t show it.

“Helgeson wine bottles were found at all three crime scenes,” Reid explained, “They were the shards that got stuck in the victims’ faces.”

“We also found the words ‘look up to the sky’ painted at the two latest scenes. JJ and I didn’t see anything like that at the first one, but we can always go back and double check,” Rossi added, flipping through his notes.

Blake looked up from her own folder, “I was telling Morgan that a reference to the sky could be something about God. Maybe they’re angry with Him or thinks that God may be angry with the victims.”

“What do you think, Morgan?” Hotch asked as he looked at the crime scene photos. When he received no response, he looked up, “Morgan?”

Finally, Derek looked up, “What?”

“Are you alright?” the boss asked, tilting in an inquisitive manner.

“Peachy,” Morgan smiled, but even he knew it wasn’t convincing.

“Well,” Hotch said slowly, “Then why don’t you join our discussion.”

It wasn’t a question. It was an order. 

“Sure, yea. Sorry,” he fished through his memory for what they had been discussing a moment before, “I agree with Blake.”

His teammates all gave him questioning looks, with varying degrees of concern, before finally going back to their discussion. For the next thirty minutes, Derek tried to get himself to speak up. To tell the truth. It wasn’t about God, and he knew it. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find the courage. If he told them what the words meant, they’d ask how he knew and he wasn’t ready to answer that. Not yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Two hours later, another body dropped. This victim was an african american male, making it two out of four,

“He crossed the color line,” JJ commented as she, Reid, and Morgan stood looking at their note board. The others had gone to check out the new scene. Morgan had a sneaking feeling Hotch had asked him stay behind because of his strange behavior.

“So we can definitely rule out racial motives,” Reid responded, crossing that out on the board. 

“Maybe it’s about revenge?” Morgan suggested, “Maybe they’re surrogates.”

His team members turned to look at him, surprised by his contribution. Their friend had been silent till this point.

“What makes you say that?” They asked in unison. Derek would’ve found it funny under other circumstances. Instead of laughing, he just shrugged.

“Just a hunch.”

“Ok, but surrogates for who? That takes us back to the problem of the victims being different races,” JJ pointed out, squinting her brilliant blue eyes and tilting her head.

“I don’t know. It was just a thought,” Derek answered, looking toward the door, “I’m gonna get some coffee.”

As soon as he left the room, the remaining BAU agents exchanged looks.

“What’s the matter with him?” Reid asked.

“Ya know, I don’t know. He was acting weird on the phone yesterday.”

“Why?”

“I told him about the writing on the dumpster and he practically just hung up on me, and he’s been behaving strangely ever since.”

The two looked at the crime scene photo of the dumpster, rereading the writing there, wondering what about it would cause their friend to act this way.

______________

 

Outside the precinct, underneath a clear mid afternoon sky, Derek paced back and forth. 

“Come on,” he mumbled to himself, “Tell them the truth. Just man up and admit it.”

The sound of his phone ringing distracted him from his monologue as he took it from his pocket to read the screen.

“Hey Baby Girl, what’s cookin’?” Morgan said cheerfully, hoping it sounded sincere.

Luckily, he seemed to succeed as she didn’t question him.

“Only my hot burning love your, Sweet Thing,” she answered, and he could hear her smile through the phone, “Is the team with you?”

“No, I’m outside by my lonesome. Enjoying this day that’s almost as beautiful as you.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. You think something could almost be this gorgeous.”

Despite himself, he laughed. His God-given solace always did know how to make him happy.

“Not that I don’t love these little talks of ours, Momma, but did you call for a reason?”

“Oh, right!” she answered, “I wanted to let you guys know that I found something. So, it is definitely not a gay thing. All four of the vics were happily married to their wives, no record of any marital strife whatsoever and all of their friends and family that I contacted said that they never showed any signs of being even remotely interested in the same sex.”

“Alright. We can rule that motive out.”

“However, and you’re gonna love me even more for this, I found something else. Apparently the first vic, Michael Crowley, was fired from his most recent job as a swim coach because a mom filed a complaint about him to the school board. She wanted herself and her son to remain anonymous, but she alleged that Crowley had molested her son after a swim meet. There wasn’t an official police investigation, because they didn’t have anything to charge him with, due to the whole anonymity thing.”

It was all making sense now. 

“Baby boy? You still there?”

“Yea!” He answered, realizing he had spaced out, “Absolutely. This is great work, Baby Girl, thank you!”

With that he hung up and made his way back inside to relay this info back to the team. When he entered, he found Gordinski talking to JJ and Reid and the rest of his team. They had apparently made it back from the crime scene.

“Hey,” he said by way of greeting as he approached them, “Garcia called.”

He explained to them what Garcia had told him and they all got thoughtful looks on their faces.

“So, maybe Crowley wasn’t really a random opportunity. He was revenge like you suggested Morgan, and maybe that triggered our unsub into a spree.”

As Blake explained this, Derek caught Hotch giving him a strange look. 

“But if the rest of the vics are supposed to be Crowley too, why change from white males to african-american?” Reid asked.

“It always comes back down to the color line. Why would he cross it?” JJ asked, resting her chin on her hand in a contemplating manner. 

“Maybe for the same reason that ‘look up to the sky’ wasn’t found at the first scene either. Maybe Crowley was purely out of revenge, but that reminded our unsub of something else and every successive kill is about that.” Blake suggested.

“Morgan, I need to speak with you,” Hotch said suddenly. 

Morgan gave him a questioning look, glancing between the members of his team and seeing the same looks on their faces. But he did as he was told, and followed Hotch into Gordinski’s office so they could talk in private. As they both stepped inside, Hotch closed the door behind them.

“What’s going on, man?” Morgan asked, turning to face his boss.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Hotch countered, crossing his arms. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You’ve been acting strangely practically since we’ve arrived. From what JJ and Blake told me, it specifically started with the writing found on the dumpster. That gives me the impression that you know what it means, and are withholding it from me and the rest of the team. And I don’t appreciate it when my team hides things from me.”

“I’m not hiding anything, Hotch,” Morgan tried to defend, knowing he failed when Hotch merely raised his eyebrows.

“Really? Because I am finding that hard to believe.”

“It’s none of your business!” Morgan almost shouting, catching his volume last minute.

“No, it is! Because when you withhold something that affects this case and this team, it becomes my business!” Hotch said, gesturing to the group working outside the window. 

Morgan just shook his head. He opened his mouth as if the say something, before storming out of the office and out of the precinct.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! My sister motivated me. Cause she found my story and loved it and begged me to continue it. She's at camp right now. But I hope this will be a nice surprise when she comes back.
> 
> Here you go sissy-poo!

An hour or so later, Morgan entered the precinct again. He found his team discussing the case in the conference room. They stopped their conversation as he walked through the door, turning to look at him. He gave them a small smile. 

“Have you calmed down?” Hotch asked, lowering the file in his hand to look at his teammate. 

Morgan nodded, “I have an apology to make.”

“No, you don’t. As long as you’re good now-”

“Not about that,” Morgan looked around and took a deep breath, “I’ve been withholding information from the case. Hotch, you were right and I’m sorry.”

Nobody said anything at first, just looking at him questioningly.

“What kind of information?” Rossi spoke up first.

“I know what the words from the crime scene meant. It’s something somebody used to say to me,” Morgan answered quietly.

“And you didn’t tell us this in the meeting earlier because?” Hotch questioned.

“I tried,” Derek sighed, “I sat there that entire meeting trying to say something but I couldn’t. It’s something that I’ve never told anybody.”

That made the team look uneasy for a moment. They didn’t doubt it before, but those words definitely did not mean something good. 

“Who used to say that to you?” Reid asked quietly.

“Carl Buford. He uh… he runs the local youth center.”

“Carl Buford?” Captain Gordinski spoke up, “You mean the Carl Buford that saved you life? You better not be saying he has anything to do with these murders, Derek Morgan.”

“I don’t think he did directly, but he is definitely involved somehow. I’ve never told anybody about that phrase and I’ve never heard anyone else say it,” Morgan snapped, looking to the Captain.

“‘Look up to the sky’? What does it mean?” JJ asked, stopping the argument between the two men from escalating. 

“Carl Buford used to coach me at the rec center, he taught me how to play football when I was a teenager. He’s the reason I got a scholarship to get out of here and go to college.”

“He also was like a father to you and got your criminal record expunged. I bet your friends didn’t know about that, did they? You wouldn’t be here right now if not for that man, so if you think-” Gordinski started.

“He also had a cabin where he used to take me on weekend trips,” Morgan continued, ignoring Gordinski, “And he…”

Morgan looked down, unable to look his friends in the eye.

“Carl Buford liked to do things. Things that you shouldn’t do to young boys.” Morgan finished, “And when he would do those things, and when he could tell that I wanted him to stop, he would say those words. ‘You better man up boy. Look up to the sky.’”

Everyone was silent. Morgan could feel the shock in the room, it was palpable. He gathered his courage and finally looked up at his team. The looks on their faces were varying between shock and despair. 

“These things were of a sexual nature? He molested you?” Hotch clarified, to which Morgan simply nodded. 

“So, our killer is probably somebody that Buford abused,” Rossi surmised. 

“Somebody like Buford could have hundreds of victims,” Reid said sadly.

“Now hold on. You all aren’t seriously gonna believe that-” Gordinski started, 

Hotch held up a hand, “If Morgan says it’s true, then I’m inclined to believe him. Where would we find Carl Buford? We need to speak to him.”

“I’m not helping you drag a local hero’s name through the mud,” Gordinski snapped, standing up straighter.

“Probably at the community center,” Morgan answered. 

Hotch sent Reid and Rossi to go bring Buford in for questioning. Gordinski took this as an opportunity to get in Morgan’s face.

“If what you say is true, why didn’t you say anything when you were a kid?”

“Honestly, you’re one of the reasons,” Morgan said calmly before leaving the room. 

Those left, JJ, Blake, and Hotch all gave Gordinski a dirty look before exiting the room as well. 


	5. Chapter 5

“What?!” Penelope Garcia exclaimed over the phone, “Somebody hurt my Thunder?! I’m coming down there! I will rip the man apart! Nobody will ever be able to find a single piece once I am done with him!”

“Garcia, calm down,” JJ commanded, “I need you to breath.”

A few deep breaths could be heard on the other end.

“I just… I can’t believe it,” the computer genius eventually responded quietly.

“Me neither. It came as a shock to all of us.”

“How is he?” 

JJ sighed, “He’s been sitting by himself for awhile. We’re all giving him his space. This is the first time he’s ever told anyone, I’m sure it was draining.”

“I can only imagine. What can I do? Should I fly out there?” Garcia asked eagerly, needing to do something.

“No, Garcia. Hotch’ll be pissed if you pull something like that.”

“I don’t care! Morgan is hurting.”

“Try giving him a call first at least. He might not be very talkative, but hearing your voice may help him.”

“I’ll give it a try. Thanks JJ.”

Garcia hung up and immediately called her Baby Boy. He needed her right now and no matter what, she was going to be there. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all should be glad your author is into that 'new year new me' bullshit. It's why Y'all have a new chapter. XD

   Derek was sitting on a bench outside the precinct, elbows on his knees and head in his hands, when he heard his phone ringing. He was so lost in his thoughts that it took him a second to even realize where the sound was coming from. Glancing up, he had to squint as the sun hit his eyes. The sky was too sunny and the day was too happy to fit his mood. His life had basically just been turned upside down. They all knew now.

   Glancing down at his cell phone, he noted the caller i.d. and wasn't sure where to smile or cry. His Baby Girl, his Penelope now knew the one thing he had always so desperately tried to hide. Someone had to have told her. JJ probably. What would she think of her Chocolate Thunder now?

   "Hey, Darling, what's up?" he said when he finally answered the phone, forcing a smile even though she couldn't see him.

   "Oh you know, the usual genius," she laughed, though that too sounded forced, "I heard about earlier."

   Derek sighed, "Yea. I figured you would have."

   "Are you ok?" she asked softly and try as he might, he couldn't lie to her.

   "Honestly... no."

   They were quiet for almost an entire minute before he gathered the courage to speak again.

   "I don't know what to do."

   "What do you mean?"

   "I just... I've never told anyone before. I've always kind of been... alone," he whispers, "And now that it's out..."

   "It's okay. I get it."

   "You always do," he laughs softly, "That's why you're my Baby Girl."

   "Darn tooting. You just let me know if there's anything you need, right? If you need me there right this second, I can make that happen. You know you I can do anything."

   "Only a fool would doubt that, Gorgeous," He laughed again, the way only she could make him laugh, "But seriously darling, you've done enough. Thank you."

   "Anytime, handsome."

   And with that he hung up and walked back into the precinct, ready to face the music.


End file.
